November 20, 2008

The Doc prescribed me a subscription to NPR articles

The doc said the prescription should help subside the fever. NPR always does make me feel better....

"I believe in improvising. It's exciting; it's an adventure, a challenge, and a chance to be creative. Not being locked into a "plan" or a prescribed way of doing something leaves room for all kinds of wonderful stuff to happen. You don't always have to follow the recipe. I always use more butter, eggs and garlic than a recipe calls for, and the only unfortunate change this brings about is in my size."
-Alice Brock in her essay "Making it up as I go along"

"...when I see all three of my kids laughing, when I think about how much less my life would have been if I had settled for what I thought I wanted, I realize I don't much care about the sensible things I once did. It's the ridiculous I love."
-Claude Knobler "Life is Wonderfully Ridiculous"

"I believe we have the power to create our own happiness. I believe the real magic in the world is done by humans. I believe normal life is extraordinary."
-Wayne Coyne in his essay "Creating our Own Happiness"

Doc, are you sure you can't get me a vaccine for this?

Doc, I am not feeling too healthy. No, it's not the flu. But sometimes it feels like it. I think I've come down with an illness and it's both mentally and physically painful. I have headaches and chills and nausea and insomnia and I feel emotional and unstable. I'm nervous and irritable and ansiosa and paranoid. When my head doesn't hurt, my heart does. And I think it's contagious! Everyone else is affected by it...

Uh huh, I've had these symptoms for a while. Well, it all started back in 2006 when I realized that I needed to get out and get away. Away from myself. I managed to go far away, far away, but I started to understand that "Wherever you go, there you are." For a while the symptoms went away. I had changed my environment, my lifestyle, my attitude, my language, my friends, my goals, my priorities. But then I changed my mind. Then I was ready to get away again.

I'm back here but the illness follows me wherever I go, Doctor. Once I'm here, I have to leave again. First I want to be here, then I want to be there. I came because I needed to hold on to it and be wrapped up in it, surround myself with this place, live in it. The idea of leaving makes me ill, but the idea of staying makes me ill. The symptoms just won't go away. All this coming and going. It's like the opposite of vertigo, it's like horizontigo. Flying back and forth really makes me feel it!

Doc, so what is it that coerces me to take the risk of coming back here. To remind me that I want to take in this place and take on these obstacles and these goals and this language and this life and then just reject it and throw it away?

Yes, I can assure you it is a mental and physical pain I feel. It is in my heart and my body and my soul. So if it's not the flu then what is it? Perhaps a vitamin deficiency?

Oh I understand... I see. And it's a rare illness? And do they have a cure for that?

What? They call it that?...Nope I've never heard of it....Residential aversion. Sometimes known as Binge living. Also known as geographical intolerance. Defined as the ambivalent attachment to your environment and physical location. The tendency to move frequently. A vicious cycle of moving back and forth between two countries, whether it was your desire or not. Often has strong mental and physical symptoms similar to the flu.

Doc, but what is the cure? I can't live this way anymore! I need to stay put. I need to stay in one place. This place needs to stay with me. I need to stay put. I want to stay put in this place.


Time? Take time? What is that....a vitamin?

Trust me, I've been taking plenty of that.